day 1 - それは傷つけるため ( because it hurt ) + 0 comment(s)




it's been so long since i started blogging and now i just want to express all my feelings right now, right here.

tell me, what is love ? a serious complex feeling which make a person feel happy at the same time it hurts so much that you would feel like dying as well your heart is in a really painful feels like there's so many needles stabbing in your heart. love is painful yet is a beautiful feeling that is so intense and is fearful.

3 years has passed but i never move on. it is so hard to forget your first true love. in this years, i always thought i had really forgotten him but i never. it so hard and now it's more harder and painful because i had fall more deeper and deeper. i bottled up my feelings never told anyone how did i feel because i couldn't. the fear of having friends that think i'm annoying, think i'm troublesome, think i'm only giving them more trouble and hard time to talk to each other. to be honest, it's so hard to always keep smiling and be cheerful to everyone and now i'm feeling more tired and tired.

even though , i still never forget him. i still love him deeply. i still want him badly. every time when i knew he was there i would always wanted to get his attention. i would get jealous when he had a girlfriend. i would always try to make him jealous whenever i was hanging out with my guy bestfriend (i'm being so unreasonable right ?) . i always full to myself that he will never able to leave away from me but right now i regretted pushing him away from me.

i never accepted him despite he been asking me so many times. i was feared. i was scared.  i always think about the past. it haunt me. it kills me. i always thought ' why did you betrayed me ? why did you cheated on me ? why ? why ? why? ' . the fear overtake me that i couldn't possible believe that a relationship is real. horrified, uneasiness, distress, anxiety was all always stuck with me. no matter how much i want to accept all of him the fear always drag my feet sinking into a dark pitch black hole. what am i suppose to do ? how ? why ? 

i was too late. i gather my courage, my guts and my determination too late. just when i manage to convince myself to be honest with my feelings and my spirit he had given up on me. haha i always thought there's no way he will give up but he did .... and now i am trap with this horrifying feelings. can i still act normal infront of you ? can i still be that person who you want ? can i still be someone special in your heart. obviously the answer is no.

he had someone now. i don't know anymore. do you know ? do you know how much i had endure ? do you know how much i need you ? i always wanted to scream on him i love you, please quickly notice my feelings towards you, please don't say goodbye, please don't leave me hanging alone, please don't erase me from you life, i'm sorry for pushing you, i'm sorry for making you wait so long, i'm sorry i wasn't enough good for you, please don't ever tell me you had forgotten me, please don't brush me away, please love me back because i still need you in my life. i want you for the rest of my life. don't you know your presence had changed my world ? don't you know i was happy even though u had hurted me you had betrayed me you had ignored me. no matter what happens i will still love you even u had gone away from me. i would never betrayed you i would never fall in love with anyone. so please, hurry up find me, notice me and fall in love with me .... i don't want this to be the end. i don't want everything to be gone, every of your touch, movement and your presence is still lingering around me. so please hurry up faster quickly and tell me that you will never leave me alone anymore......